


Undisclosed Desires

by towardstheair



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol RPF, Kris Allen (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-10
Updated: 2011-01-10
Packaged: 2017-10-14 15:36:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/150812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/towardstheair/pseuds/towardstheair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: The song Undisclosed Desires by Muse</p>
            </blockquote>





	Undisclosed Desires

Adam pushes open the front door and slams it shut with an unnecessary violent force. He throws his keys into the direction of the kitchen and hears something smash instantly. He'll probably regret that in the morning. He can hear laughter from the living room and, although ordinarily the sound of that laugh in particular would be comforting, instead he feels irritated because all he wants to do is curl up on his sofa, eat ice cream and feel sorry for himself.

 

He would deal though, if he has to have someone as company when he doesn't really want it, he could cope with it being Kris Allen. At least on some level he's able to relate, they are both recently pathetically single, just Adam more recently than Kris. And this really isn't a new scenario for the two of them, even before Kris had moved himself in, Adam was always calling Kris when his relationships ended, re-telling the dramatic break up story in full detailed glory.

 

Except, he can't help but notice over the last year they have become far more tame. Adam remembers in his early twenties, being broken up over his partners refusing to date someone who found it acceptable to sleep with other people while in a relationship. But when did ever say he would be exclusive? Thank you very much. There was a phase in his mid twenties when people accused him of not being attentive enough, which Adam still finds fucking ridiculous to this day. The only person he has met who is as hands on and comfortable with physical contact as him is Kris, so he has no idea how anyone could have justified that. He attributed it to two things; one, he was so focused on his work that he didn't have time to play the perfect boyfriend and two, the people he dated at the time were too fucking emotionally needy. He hopes his tastes have improved since then.

 

Then of course, there was Brad – the epic and so far only love of his life. Even that, as all of the above had ended with fireworks and yelling. But everything recently has been so dull, it isn't like he is out with a different guy every week, as if he actually has time for that. But he'd like to think he is at least putting himself out there, unlike Kris who seems quite happy to hide out in his living room. Maybe Kris has the right idea though, it certainly sounds a hell of a lot more enjoyable than being told you are “emotionally unavailable” as he had been told earlier in the evening.

 

He huffs his way into the living room and finds Kris laying on the couch sprawled out on his stomach, his head resting against the arm. Adam is pretty sure he had left him in the same spot a couple of hours ago.

 

“Have you even moved since I left?”

 

Kris lifts his head up slightly, obviously surprised that Adam is back so soon. “I got up to pee like an hour ago.”

 

“Lovely.” Adam shrugs off his jacket, frustratingly waving it around when it gets caught on his wrist. Kris is watching him with amused eyes and Adam really hopes that look doesn't turn into laughter in his direction. Even though Adam loves the guy, the way he is feeling right now he wouldn't be totally opposed to punching him in the face.

 

Kris sits up slowly, stretching out his muscles and making room for Adam on the sofa. He slumps down next to Kris and lets out a heavy sigh.

 

Emotionally unavailable.

 

What the fuck does that even mean? That was his exact response. And he really wishes he hadn't bothered because the answer he got back was a long list of explanations and examples confirming that he really was emotionally unavailable.

 

“You're back early.”

 

“Ever the observant one, Kris.”

 

Kris lets out a strange little noise and Adam has to look, because he is sure he is going to find Kris struggling to hold back laughter.

 

“Also in a very bad mood.”

 

Adam refuses to offer a response to that because he doesn't want to take his shitty mood out on Kris, who no doubt thinks he is just being cute. It's a natural part of their friendship, this teasing that they do and neither one of them has quite got it right, when it's appropriate to do it or just shut up. So now it flows natural and easy, and even though Adam is still feeling slightly pissed off he can't help but smile in Kris's direction.

 

Adam moves quickly shifting round to face Kris and crosses his legs in front of him. “Kris, I want you to be honest with me. Do you think I'm emotionally unavailable?”

 

Kris tilts his head. He looks even more confused than Adam feels. “What? What does that even mean?”

 

“That's what I said!” Adam throws his arms up in frustration, and yes he might be slightly over-reacting to this whole thing. But he feels like this is becoming a regular occurrence. It's not as if he needs a guy to give his life extra validation but when the relationships are ending because of something Adam isn't even aware he is doing, he thinks that maybe it's something he needs to look at.

 

Kris shifts on the sofa so he is facing Adam, he doesn't even need to say anything to let Adam know he is ready and waiting to listen to whatever Adam has to say.

 

“Mark broke up with me.” Kris hasn't met Mark yet, it's far too early in the relationship to be meeting friends and family. Three months to him is too early anyway.

 

“He said that I constantly kept him at a distance and that he didn't feel like he was a part of my life. Which, by the way, is completely ridiculous, he knew what he was getting into when we started going out and I remember specifically explaining to him that my life can get pretty crazy sometimes. Considering that I've pretty much had non-stop promotion for the past two weeks, I've called him nearly every day and we've seen each other about ten times. What more does he fucking want?”

 

Kris opens his mouth to say something and Adam sees the hesitation there and he really can't deal with Kris being in one of those moods where he holds back. “Come on, Kris. Just say whatever it is that you're thinking.”

 

“By the sound of things, it wasn't about how much time you spent together or how many times a day you called him, it seems that it was more than that. He said emotionally unavailable right?”

 

“Yes. Thanks for reminding me.” Adam folds his arms across his chest and he is more than aware that he is pouting right now, like a child who hasn't gotten his way.

 

Kris laughs quietly. “Adam, all of the relationships you've had recently, Drake, Jay, that guy with the pink Mohawk whose name I can't remember and Mark, what's the reason they all ended?”

 

Adam doesn't even need to think about it, and he really doesn't know what Kris is trying to get at. “They broke up with me.” His voice is quiet and he can't help but feel slightly ashamed that he couldn't make one of those relationships work.

 

“Why?”

 

The reasons have all been the same. It has always been said differently, different words but always the same meaning. Adam is emotionally unavailable. His expression must have matched everything he is thinking because Kris scooted closer towards him, their knees touching.

 

“Hey... I didn't mean for you... what do I know about making relationships work? I'm 26 and already divorced.” When Adam looks up at Kris, there is a smile across his face but it is more for Adam's benefit than anything.

 

“At least you're making jokes about it now.”

 

Kris nods. “I guess time really is all you need.”

 

Kris seems thoughtful, like he has suddenly had some kind of huge revelation. Adam has been telling him for months now that eventually he will move on, that things will start to get better, it's about time that he figured out Adam was telling the truth.

 

“I just don't get it, Kris. Everything starts out fine and it's great and then somewhere along the way... I don't know what I'm doing wrong.”

 

“I don't think it's anything you're intentionally doing, Adam. I think...” Kris stops himself again and Adam really wishes he would stop fucking doing that.

 

“We've been friends for a while now, and I've watched you with guys, I've been out with you when you're hitting on guys but it all feels like... like a show. Somewhere along the way, I feel like you convinced yourself you don't deserve to have someone love you. So you put on that amazing fake smile of yours and deliver all the perfect lines and no one gets close.”

 

It's in the rare moments they talk like this, that Adam realises just how well Kris knows him. Sometimes it's overwhelming to have someone understand him so completely. Then he remembers that it's Kris, and Kris is the least judgemental person he knows, so none of this is said to be hurtful or critical, it's like he's saying it to make Adam aware.

 

He sighs and turns away from Kris, his feet hitting the floor again. He lets his arms fall down by his side before leaning his head back against the sofa. “Why can't it just be like this? When I'm with you I feel comfortable and happy, I mean it should be this easy right? Find someone you connect with and then everything else just falls into place. Why is it so fucking hard?”

 

“You've never had that with someone you've been in a relationship with?”

 

“Once.”

 

Kris is silent for a while, it really shouldn't take him that long to figure out who Adam is talking about. Adam shared his Brad story with Kris one drunken night on the Idol tour. The rush of performing and tour bus insomnia had taken over one night and it ended up with Adam pouring his heart out over cheap Vodka. He learnt a lot of things that night, mainly that Kris is one of the easiest people to talk to and also that he couldn't handle his liquor for shit.

 

“You are capable of it, Adam.”

 

“Stop being so fucking wise and smart. I like you better when you're broody and feeling sorry for yourself.” Now he sounds like a child who hasn't gotten his way. Kris is silent again, still looking in Adam's direction. He is so easy for Adam to read. All he wants now is confirmation that everything he has just said is true.

 

“It's just easier this way. People see you on TV and in a magazine and they expect you to be a certain way and there's a power in that. Maybe it sounds conceited or whatever, but I like that I can use that.”

 

“Yeah, I'm sure it's great to start with. But then you end up here with me on a Saturday night instead of out with some hot guy.” Those words leaving Kris's mouth sound slightly strange and Adam really hopes he never says anything like that ever again, they never really talk about stuff like this and when they do it's pretty much always on the surface.

 

Adam nudges his elbow against Kris's knee. “You're a hot guy.”

 

Kris laughs loudly and leans backwards, letting his head fall back against the arm rest of the couch. He uncrosses his legs and sprawls them across Adam's lap. Adam hopes Kris has no plans of getting comfortable because he wants fucking ice cream and he firmly believes Kris should be the one to get it for him.

 

He is about to make his demand known when Kris's big toe prods him in the stomach. When he looks at Kris his arm is stretched out and his hand is reaching towards him. “Come here.”

 

This type of affection isn't unusual for the two of them. It started a long time ago in the early days of Idol. Of course, it hadn't been as extreme as it is now, it started out with small things. Adam taking hold of Kris's hand and pulling him along, Kris jumping up on Adam's back demanding piggy back rides to the car, the two of them falling asleep in the living room hunched all over each other, so many small things leading up to the moment where it was no longer accidental but they both needed it.

 

Adam doesn't even hesitate taking Kris's hand. Adam lets Kris pull him down so he is laid out on top of him, his head resting against Kris's shoulder, practically all his body splayed out all over Kris. “Oof...jeez Adam how heavy are you?”

 

Adam punches him in the chest and hopes that Kris is joking, he better be fucking joking. “Shut up or I'll kick you out of my house.”

 

Kris's body shakes underneath his as he laughs. “No, you won't. You love having me around too much.”

 

Adam is playing with Kris's necklace, running the chain through his fingers and turning the small silver tag over. Adam bought this for Kris on his birthday, he's only now realising that Kris hasn't taken it off since then. “I do love having you here, too much.”

 

Adam wriggles his body even closer to Kris's and sighs contentedly. He can feel Kris's fingers tracing the nape of his neck and instinctively closes his eyes. Sometimes he thinks that it really doesn't matter that he can't hold onto a boyfriend because he'll always have this. He likes being here with Kris, more often than not when he is out he's thinking about getting back to Kris, wondering what Kris is doing.

 

“I think this is the problem, you know.” Kris's voice is soft and quiet and Adam isn't even going to pretend he has any idea what Kris is talking about, he is far too relaxed to care right now.

 

“I think this is why you can't make a relationship work, and why I'd rather spend all my time here than alone in my apartment.”

 

“I just thought you really hated your apartment or something.” Kris laughs again, and Adam is pretty sure he'll never get tired of hearing that sound. He is more aware of the point Kris is trying to make now though. They are here together, lying in each other's arms and it's not in the slightest bit weird. It's never been weird with Kris, just a slow natural progression and what if this is the reason? If he can't keep a boyfriend because he knows for sure he'll always have Kris and that deep down he doesn't want anyone else but Kris.

 

“I stay here because you're here. I don't want to be some place that you're not.” The words are muffled against Adam's forehead and he can feel Kris pressing his lips against his skin and leaving them there for an uncountable amount of time. His skin still feels like it's burning even after Kris pulls away.

 

“I think we should go out on a date.”

 

Adam jumps up out of Kris's arms and he is about to burst out laughing until he sees Kris's empty arms where he was laying a few seconds ago and the hurt expression across Kris's face. Adam opens his mouth to speak, to make some kind of come back to Kris's words, but he literally cannot think of anything to say. All Kris's silence does is confirm that he is deadly serious.

 

“Kris... Kris.”

 

Kris sits up slightly, resting on his elbows looking at Adam in confusion. “Why did you move?”

 

“Why did you ask me out on a date?”

 

“I didn't. I suggested we go on a date, there's a difference.”

 

It's pretty obvious to Adam that Kris is amused by this whole situation and all Adam can think about is how long Kris has been waiting to say this. Adam sits back against the couch and he can't look down at Kris. It's far too welcoming, especially when all he wants is to lay down back into Kris's warm arms, which seems like a bad idea right now. If he does that he'll have absolutely no clarity to work through this.

 

“Adam...” Kris is closer than Adam realised, he must have moved and now he is close against Adam's side, his hand resting against his arm. “I've known you for a really long time now and I know that despite what you put out there, all you really want is someone to love you. You can fool everyone else, but you can't fool me.”

 

Kris's fingers are trailing their way up Adam's arm, across his shoulder and neck until finally they stop at Adam's face, resting against his cheek. It's like some kind of slow torture, he feels like everything he and Kris have is about to be pulled down by whatever it is that Kris is about to say. It's not that he has never thought about Kris that way, in fact he spent the early part of their friendship thinking about Kris that way a lot. But that feels like such a long time ago, and over the years Adam learnt to separate how he really feels and the friendship he has with Kris. The worst scenario had been that he could lose Kris over some stupid crush, so he settled and it has been enough, more than enough because what they have now surpassed anything that Adam could have even imagined.

 

“I love you, Adam. I'm tired of pretending to you that I'm not ready to move on when all I really want to do is move on with you. And I'm really tired of watching you do this to yourself. I've had to watch you go out with guys, only to have you come back to me months later and blame yourself on why it didn't work out. But, did you ever think that maybe it didn't work out because you had already found what you were looking for?”

 

Kris just keeps moving closer and he is well and truly invading Adam's personal space. He feels like maybe he should protest at least once just so it's known that he tried to stop this, but why the fuck would he want to stop this?

 

“Are you serious?”

 

Kris stops abruptly and moves slightly so he can look Adam in the eye, it's an awkward angle considering Kris is practically hanging off Adam and also the fact that Adam refuses to move.

 

“I'm serious.”

 

Kris licks his lips and glances down at Adam's briefly, this is the first time Adam has ever seen Kris being so bold and if it wasn't obvious before it certainly is now that Kris has been building up to this moment. Adam's hands go up instantly to grip onto Kris's arms and hold him there before it can go any further.

 

“Kris, I don't think this is such a good idea.”

 

He expected Kris to seem slightly more deflated, but all Adam's reactions seem to do is make Kris more determined. His eyes bore into Adam's like he is trying to figure out every single thing he is thinking.

 

“You don't love me?”

 

“Kris, what kind of fucking stupid question is that? Of course I love you.”

 

“So, you don't want me?”

 

“I don't want to ruin what we have.”

 

“What we have? Adam, what we have is pretty much already a relationship.”

 

Adam lets out a noise of disbelief and folds his arms across his chest again. Finally, finally Kris moves away even if it is slightly reluctant. At least Adam feels like he can think again clearly.

 

Kris stands up from the couch, his hair wildly adorable, sticking out in every direction, his shirt ruffled from having been laid down for so long. “Let me ask you something Adam. If there was one person you could come home to every day who would it be?”

 

It's a stupid trick fucking question because Kris already knows the answer. “You.”

 

Kris nods. “Okay. And if something happens in your life, something small and insignificant or massively life changing, who do you want to call and tell about it?”

 

Adam sighs. “You.”

 

“When you picture your life ten years from now, who is the one person you want more than anything standing by your side?”

 

Adam's caught between saying some random movie star's name he finds hot just to throw Kris off or to just blurt out the truth. He feels like it's not the best time for their banter, not when things have suddenly shifted so monumentally.

 

“You.”

 

“Right. All of those things, Adam, you already have. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. I don't want to. If you were to ask those questions to me I'd give you the exact same answer.”

 

“You make it sound so fucking simple.”

 

“Weren't you the one who just said you wished it could be this easy? That you wanted to feel the way with someone how you feel with me? Why do you need someone else? You already have me. I'm yours.”

 

Adam really is being so stupid right now, he has the one person he wants more than anything pretty much offering himself to him and he is trying to find reasons as to why it would be a really bad idea. In some ways maybe it is. Kris is his friend, not just that, he is Adam's best friend and if they fuck this up they would both lose everything anyway. The flip side is they would get everything they both clearly want.

 

Kris is moving towards him, a deliberate, careful slowness to his steps. He doesn't need to worry though, Adam really has no intention of going anywhere. He expects Kris to maybe stand in front of him, demand an answer or reach out and touch him, tell him everything would be okay. Instead he sits back down beside him and then lay out on the sofa, looking up at Adam expectantly, his arms wide open as if the conversation they just had never took place.

 

Adam knows the moment Kris lies back down again that he isn't going to fight this, that he is an idiot for even fighting it to begin with. His eyes never leave Kris's as he lies out across his body; they only break eye contact at the last moment when Adam places his head against Kris's chest.

 

“You really want this? You really want me?”

 

Kris chuckles and runs his fingers through Adam's hair. “Trust me, you're the one.”

 

Adam smiles against Kris's chest, he really didn't think this night would end like this. But it's way better than his death by ice cream plan he had going. He crawls up Kris's body, making sure to touch any part of Kris's bare skin that he can get to. When Adam looks down at Kris, he can't help letting out a small laugh because Kris looks completely exhausted, and he is pretty sure that Kris has done nothing all day. He runs a hand through Kris's hair, brushing it off his face and then leans down to press a kiss against Kris's lips.

 

It surprises him when Kris jumps a little, because really what did he expect? Kris just told him that he is the one. What does he think Adam is going to do? Adam pulls back slightly, biting on his bottom lip. He is so used to taking control and ordinarily that's perfectly fine with him. But for some reason he really doesn't mind relinquishing some of that control over to Kris, because he doesn't know what Kris is going to do next and he sort of loves that he doesn't.

 

It's only a few seconds and then Kris is back in the moment, the hands that are rested on Adam's back are digging in a little more now, silently urging Adam to finish what he started. Kris leans his head forward slightly and it's all the invitation Adam needs to meet him half way. It's strange kissing Kris, he really had no expectations because he never, ever let himself think about it. It's happening though, really happening and he should have known that it would be blissfully perfect, because this is Kris, butter wouldn't melt, American fucking Idol Kris Allen and he should have known.

 

When Kris's tongue traces along his bottom lip, Adam doesn't hesitate in opening his mouth and reciprocating. It feels like Kris's hands are everywhere all at once and he feels like he is losing focus of everything around him, all he is aware of is Kris's body underneath him, Kris's lips, Kris's hands... he needs to breathe just for a second. When he starts to pull away Kris is smiling against his lips and Adam can't resist biting Kris's bottom lip before pulling back to look down at Kris.

 

“Hmm...” Kris looks smug and even more sleepy beneath him. As he closes his eyes, his fingers come up to run through Adam's hair. Adam isn't going to fight this, he sinks down against Kris again, his own hand moving up to rest against Kris's neck. He'll stay here for fucking ever if Kris never feels like he wants to move.

 

“So, what was that?” Adam mumbles the words against Kris's chest.

 

“Uhm, that was kissing. Really Adam, no wonder you can't keep a boyfriend.”

 

Adam might be pissed off if he didn't feel so blissfully happy right now. “I meant you being hesitant when I kissed you.”

 

“Hmm...” Adam wishes Kris would stop making that noise because it really makes him want to kiss him again, and what exactly is the problem with that again?

 

“I admit to having a moment of complete an utter shock that this was actually happening.” Adam eyes slip closed and he can feel sleep pulling him under, the sound of Kris's voice and the feel of his fingers running through his hair are making it so hard to fight to keep awake.

 

“I wondered if we would ever get here. If you'd ever want me like this. I feel like I've been waiting forever for you.”

 

Adam could easily point out to Kris that if he had told Adam sooner how he felt they both could have avoided the time spent alone, the months of being just friends. But he is just too relaxed, and it's sort of a depressing thought that they could have been doing this all along.

 

So instead he stays quietly, happily listening to the sound of Kris's breathing as it lulls him into sleep and tomorrow he'll feel like an idiot over the fact that the thing he has been looking for all along was right in front of him.


End file.
